Life.. thus far

I turned 26 on Saturday. Yep, I’m over the hill and it’s all downhill from here. Having reached my peak physically, the descent ain’t looking so pretty. I can already feel the kilos piling on and after a few years of being effortlessly thin, the thought of diet and exercise is… well I get tired just thinking about it.

Having started on this relatively superficial note, I thought I’d do a QER – Quarterly Existence Review. I guess I should have done it on the big two-five but whatever, I’m not going to live to be a hundred anyway.

And right after deciding to do a detailed QER, devoting paragraphs and paragraphs to different phases in my life divided into ‘Childhood’, ‘The Teen Years’ and ‘Young Adulthood’, I’ve changed my mind. Let me just give you the gist. Childhood – Good, Teen Years – Average, Young Adulthood – Party.

Speaking of parties, let me tell you about my birthday instead. A and I have taken to surprising each other on our birthdays. Last year he threw me a surprise party at my house. On his birthday, I and his friends descended upon him at 6.30 am and took him for a sumptuous birthday breakfast at his favorite place.

Of course I was expecting a surprise of some sort this year, and I wasn’t disappointed. At 8.30 am on the 11^th of July, I awoke to some noise and out of the corner of my eye I saw three shadowy figures with pointy, conical heads creeping up to my bed. No, it wasn’t an alien abduction, but A, Pips and Jun wearing party hats. Before I knew it, a similar conical, pointy hat was plonked on my head and bright flashes of light indicated shutterbug Mum going at it with great gusto.

They informed me that they were taking me out for breakfast, so I went to get ready. You may accuse A of copycat behaviour here but my faith in his originality was affirmed when Pips came in and said ‘A is so unoriginal, doing the same thing for your birthday that you did for his.’ Suspicious behavior followed with Pips heading towards my dining room and calling out to me.

I walked in and what a sight awaited me. A veritable feast was laid out on my dining table. Pancakes, sausages, ham, croissants, eggs, baked beans, apple pie and cranberry juice. And the best part – that it had all been prepared in my own kitchen, mostly by A. The boy made pancakes, fried sausages and boiled eggs!!! For me!!! Apparently the three conspirators had awakened my household at 7 am and had been working tirelessly for over an hour.

Needless to say, it was the best breakfast I’d ever had. And a big THANK YOU goes out to A, Pips and Jun for the surprise – I may have been too sleepy to express it properly at the time but you guys are the best!!! And so is their co-conspirator - my mum.

In the course of my QER, I’ve realized something very important.. It is more important to focus on the people who ARE there with you, than those who aren’t. This may be the only bit of wisdom you will ever extract from this blog. Hold back the tears, please.

When I started this blog, I always wondered who the hell would want to read about my insignificant life. But apparently at least over 10 people do and so, in keeping with my new philosophy, who the hell cares about the billions that don’t. You guys are ‘it’.

There are so many things Red has yet to achieve. Will she ever have a house of her own? Will she ever get married? Will she ever be adequately compensated for her work? Will her hair ever stop frizzing? Will she ever manage third gear? Stay tuned and find answers to all these burning questions.

Bring on number 27. Downhill is easy.

One Man's Poison

“I’ve lost my cook!!” I announced at work this morning.

“What?!!” gasped my co-worker dramatically. “He died?”

“No, no,” I hastened to explain. “He got drunk.”

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Neelamber and his wife Parvati have been with us for over a year. Although in some considerable doubt as to his sanity, we’ve never really confirmed the existence of a drinking issue.

The man has a tendency to lurch around and blabber. This has caused many an unsuspecting visitor to secretly wonder at his seemingly constant state of inebriation. One aunty wondered not-so-secretly.

It was at a dinner party long ago, soon after we had moved into the new place. Dr. and Mrs. H had come over for a pleasant meal in our newly constructed gazebo - inaugural session as it were.

My maasi, my mother and my sister were present at the proceedings and, as they proceeded, we discerned that Neelamber’s manner was distinctly stranger than usual. For one thing he kept proclaiming that all the food was made at home and that we’d no need to order food from outside. For another, he kept hanging around at the table while we ate – laughing nervously.

Mrs. H, having made the mistake of complimenting a dish once (which started the whole ‘Sab kuchh ghar mein banaa hai’ soliloquy), lapsed into silence. Mother re-assured everyone “Oh, he is a little strange, but he’s quite sweet really.”

For the course of the rest of the evening, however, Neelamber proceeded to firmly establish himself as the chief villain, the Captain Hook in my mother’s bad books. By the end of the night she would have called him by many names – anything but sweet.

“Is he drunk?” my mom hissed at me and Y. “I’ll go find out,” whispered my sister and excused herself from the table. She thought she’d just make sure even though we both knew the real reason behind Neelamber’s nervous antics. You see, previously that evening, Y had overheard Neelamber complaining to the K about having to serve the food outside and had ticked him off to no end. So he was scared that Y was going to relate the incident to our mother.

“Parvati says he doesn’t apart from occasionally,” reported Y in hushed tones as Maasi distracted our guests in conversation. Moments later Maasi turned to Mum and inquired softly “Does this guy drink or something?” We muttered amongst ourselves so that our guests could not hear and hoped fervently that they hadn’t noticed much.

Mom finally dismissed Neelamber by firmly instructing him to go and do something inside the house. We heaved a collective sigh of relief. We’d gotten away with it. The chatting couple had noticed nothing. Just then Mrs. H leaned forward earnestly and said in a clear penetrating voice “Do you suppose he drinks?”

A bit of a fiasco really. Dr. H summed up the evening nicely by falling backwards in his chair and hitting his head on the ground. It was a rather horrifying moment but thankfully no permanent damage was done. Except for the chair, which has never been sat on since without some trepidation.

“No, no, he doesn’t drink,” we said. But we were wrong. Neelamber was not drunk that night. But he does drink. And a drunk Neelamber does not confine himself to mere lurching and babbling. His repertoire is not quite so limited as that.

Recent events confirm these statements.

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It all started when Parvati went away last week leaving her sister Yashodha to hold the fort in her stead. It seemed that the freedom from strict wife went straight to Neelamber’s head followed by a bottle of something intoxicating.

Mom came home late last night and was greeted by a frantic Yashodha. Neelamber was drunk and creating a ruckus in the backyard. My furious mother instructed her to not let him anywhere near the house. “I do not want to even see his face,” she fumed. “I’ll deal with this once Parvati comes back.”

And so Neelamber was shunned. But he took it really well. Through the darkness, a disembodied voice coming from the direction of the servant’s quarters floated through the kitchen window to Mum as she was heating up her dinner. It sang a series of film songs including “Pyaar kiya toh darna kya” in the sheer enthusiasm of the tone deaf. It was also accompanied by the sounds of ‘tabla’ being played on the door.

Yashodha clearly was not impressed by the theatrics as the door remained firmly shut in Neelamber’s face for quite some time. Unfortunately, by the time I reached home, all was silent on the musical front.

Neelamber’s fate hangs in the balance. Mom has steadfastly refused to let him in the house despite entreaties and apologies. Luckily, he hasn’t tried to serenade anyone again. It didn’t work anyway.

Peace reigns. For now.

But Parvati arrives tomorrow.

Harry Potter and the Enlightened Idiot

I have done it!!! I have finally converted A into a Harry Potter fan. Of sorts. Well, a Harry Potter movie watcher at any rate.

A's progression to enlightenment on all things HP related began when I expressed an eagerness for the next Harry Potter movie to come out. A year ago, A had expressed a singular disinterest in the entire series, and since then I had unhappily discarded the notion that we would watch the sixth movie together. However, when I told him that I wanted to watch the movie with someone who would actually enjoy and understand it, he was having none of it.

I must deviate from the story at this juncture to explain that the 'idiot' reference is not to insult A's intelligence. It is actually a term of endearment, in a way. The origin of this name for A arose when I had a need to discuss him with my friend and ex-colleague Pips at a time when our relationship was fairly low profile. We needed a code name for him. 'Idiot,' suggested Pips brightly, without hesitation. He troubles her a fair bit, you see. We used to refer to him as Idiot so much that even now, we call him that while talking to each other. Anyway, back to the story.

Now A, besides being sweet, is also slightly competitive. If anyone was going to enjoy this movie with his girl, it was going to be him. And if enthusiasm didn't arise from the prospect of delving into a young boy's journey in the magical world culminating in an epic battle against evil... well he would generate it from within.

And so, armed with the VCDs of the entire HP series so far, we settled down for a Saturday night Potter-thon. Of course he would never admit this to his friends. Which means I currently have the blackmail advantage. Hahahahaha!!!

A had seen the first one many years ago so we started with Part 2. 'You must keep explaining parts of the story to me,' he told me as the Chamber of Secrets started playing. I readily agreed since I wanted to tell him stuff out of the books that the movie left out.

I must confess that despite my readiness to supply explanations, I did run out of patience once or twice with A's questions. Mostly when he would ask me 'What happens next?' at crucial junctures in the movie or 'Is this a good person or a bad person?' immediately on the introduction of a new character. 'Watch the movie and see,' I would urge/snap at regular intervals.

I lost it a little when towards the end of Prisoner of Azkaban he asked me 'Who is this guy?' in reference to Sirius Black. I smacked my forehead in despair. But it eventually turned out that he meant to ask me why Harry was suddenly being friendly towards Sirius Black when moments ago he wanted to kill him. This I was happy to elaborate on. I sort of went through that exact same metamorphosis in feeling towards Idiot that Harry had towards Sirius Black.

I discovered later that weekend that A is as impatient while giving explanations as he is in asking for them. We were watching another movie on Sunday that he had seen previously and I hadn't. 'Do you know what they are doing?' he would ask me every 5 minutes followed by 'Do you know what is happening?' or 'Is it interesting?'. His moment of triumph came when I actually had a question. He paused the movie, cleared his throat importantly, and with a knowing smile gave me the benefit of his expertise.

Anyway, now A is eager to watch the next HP movie. In fact, he's so eager to find out 'what happens next' that he is almost willing to read the book!!! Almost. His enthusiasm waned a bit when he saw the size of the book.

When is the next movie releasing anyway?

Edited to add: A says his favorite character in the movie is Snape. Personally my favorite character in the series is Ron, but in the movie Alan Rickman is brilliant as the Potions professor. Overall I think casting was poor in the movies. The villains were cast better - Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, even Voldemort. But Gary Oldman just never fit my image of Sirius Black. And I was disappointed with the choices for Dumbledore and Remus Lupin too. Who were your favorite characters and casting choices? And who would you pick to replace an actor you didn't like in a particular role?

Surprise Surprise!!

I forgot Mother's Day.

Wait, wait - it gets better. Don't judge me just yet.

Sunday dawned innocuously enough. Mum and I plodded through the day, oblivious to the happenings of the outside world. We lazed, went to the parlour, had lunch, napped, watched a bit of IPL and then proceeded to go our separate ways in the evening. She had a wedding to attend.

It was A who reminded me. "Did you wish your mum?" he asked brightly. It shows that I have come a long way in the relationship, because I did not blame (read: smack) him for not reminding me earlier.

We needed a plan. A grand one.

I estimated that Mom would be back home by 10.30 pm. That gave us a couple of hours. "We could get a cake and a gift and surprise her," I said. And so we started visiting the shops in the market. I knew Mom loved gadgets but couldn't think of anything that she didn't already have. Time was running out and we were getting desperate. Desperate enough to even visit Archies Gallery - which we departed from at high speed within minutes of entry.

A suggested that we get a nice frame and put a nice photo of Mum in it. I wanted to get her a frame with multiple slots for 5-6 different photos. However, the only frame like that available was huge and for 24 photos. "We'll never be able to get that ready in time," I groaned. But A the optimist egged me on and we ended up buying the huge frame. A even found the time for bargaining - if you can call wresting a note out of the shopkeeper's hands bargaining.

Armed with the frame and glossy photo print quality paper, we made our way to my house, fervently hoping that Mum had left for the wedding by then. As luck would have it, she had. It turns out that she too had finally remembered the occasion and even sent a taunting message to me and my sister that read 'I hope Peanut (my sister's baby) remembered to wish her mother Happy Mother's Day.' Grinning deviously I merely replied 'Love you' and didn't even wish her then.

Over the next two hours, we searched for pictures of Mum with her children, grandchildren, mother etc. Not wanting to put the original pics in the frame, we scanned them, printed them and cut them out. Time was running out but finally, minutes before 11 pm, we were finally done. We'd ordered a chocolate cake and Mom was due home any minute.

For some reason, A tried to cover up the picture frame. "Let her lift the sheet and see the frame," he advised. A is such a manager. (He had sulked for a few seconds because I refused to buy my mother a greeting card.) Anyway, I removed the sheet because I wanted Mum to see the frame as soon as she walked into the house. A was a bit miffed at this questioning of his authority and tried incorporating the sheet somehow into the scenario by draping it around the frame. But I was having none of it.

Mum finally arrived. We left the front door open and shut off all the lights. As soon as she walked in - lights on, 'SURPRISE!!!!!'

She loved it.

Giving surprises is as much fun as getting them. :-)

He Says, She Says

Married people develop novel ways of communicating.

Sometimes, he knows her so well that he can complete her sentences. Sometimes, she doesn't need him to say the actual words - a mere gesture will convey his meaning.

And then there's Y and Vijay.

Vijay (having just arrived home from work): Yaar, I need to book those train tickets.
Y: Dinner is ready
Vijay: I was thinking I should book the tickets now, haina? Before it gets late.
Y: We've ordered butter chicken for ourselves. There is aloo gobhi for you.

You see, my sister and brother-in-law, have developed a most efficient mode of communication where there is no need to acknowledge what the other party is saying. Just say what you have to and be done with it. Two parallel one-sided conversations.

Y assures me that I too will start talking like this once married. But I don't know. Partially, this has already happened to me since A already does not acknowledge half of what I am saying since he is always too busy staring open mouthed at some screen - computer, TV, whatever.

I really look forward to married life. Sigh!

Note: There was a time when A and my little niece Peanut were watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with the same mesmerized expressions - both ignoring their respective plates of food. It was surreal.

Is anyone still out there?

I haven't been blogging much of late. It has nothing to do with the lack of time either. I've been wondering and wondering about the cause.

And it suddenly hits me, like the sharp blast of cold air from the vent right above my head at office. Life has become qualitatively better in an inexplicable way. It's like each day is so special, that no day is special. You know? It's like every scene in the Johnny Depp movie you are watching is so darn great, that you can't pick just one to describe to another Depp-head.

Maybe that wasn't such a good analogy. But I love Johnny Depp.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that, currently, I am happy - and it's happiness of the unadulterated variety, sprinkled by moments of such extreme hilarity, that I can't stop laughing long enough to blog about it.

Wedding bells, baby girls to kiss and cuddle, perfect shoes that are comfortable and stylish, and a man that you don't want to change. Let's see what else 2009 brings.

Happy New Year!!

Much Ado About Nothing

So I lost my watch. This led to a slightly confusing talk with mum, in a conversation that was much more involved than the usual ones we have.

Me: (pouting) I lost my watch today

*shakes bare wrist at Mum for emphasis*

Mum: Awwww, where?

Me: (In my head) How the hell would I know?

(Out loud) I think I dropped it while I was in Khan Market? It must have come off while I was putting on my sweater.

Mum: I’ve heard of watches falling off while taking off sweaters, never while putting on.

Me: Its clasp had gotten a little loose lately.

Mum: Guess you should have got that fixed.

Me: You’re a great help in retrospect you know.

Mum: Hmmmm. Do you want another watch to wear?

Me: Well I have another watch. Citizen. Black leather strap.

Mum: Where did you get that?

Me: Saurabh gave it to me. On my birthday.

Mum: Kahaan hai?

Me: (surprised by my mother’s interest in Saurabh’s whereabouts) In Bombay

Mum: No, I meant the watch.

Me: (laughing) Oh it’s around somewhere. It was on the shelf last time I saw it. ‘

Mum: Is it possible you dropped your watch in the car? Whose car did you come home in?

Me: Ujjwal’s. But I checked there.

Mum: What make was it?

Me: (mystified, what does that have anything to do with the lost watch) An Esteem

Mum: NO, I MEANT THE WATCH

Me: (sputtering) Titan.

By the end of it, we were laughing too hard to pursue this conversation.

Anyway, eventually I found my watch entangled in the round metal handles to which the straps to my handbag are attached.

All’s well that ends well.

Man, that Shakespeare came up with some really apt phrases.